Head high, chin up...boobs out.

The beauty of being on your third divorce is you know what to expect.

You don't feel like a failure.  In fact, when you tried as hard and much as I did you feel quite accomplished.  But, no lie, going through the motions, whether you want the divorce or not just plain sucks.  With each step however, a sense of relief comes your way and you can feel the burden lightening.  I think that having my kids watch me also helps the positive attitude I have managed to keep and the smile plastered on my face.  Cause honestly, with what happened I could've very easily snapped and rightfully so.  A friend said to me "you need to teach them to be survivors, not victims."  I took that one phrase and made it my motto for this whole process.

The few people who do know what happened are quite impressed with how I've handled everything.

  Frankly, I have impressed myself.

That's where faith and prayer come in.  I turned to God instead of wine.  He doesn't give you a hangover.

I've been a single mom before.  In fact, often in jest I would say that it sucks being married but still a single parent.  Seven years worth of that.  Its funny though, I hold no anger, resentment or hurt.  Perhaps that is because I have learned that you absolutely cannot, can't, cannot carry those negative emotions as you move on because you'll never move on.  You'll be stuck in a swirl of hate.  I choose to take what I have learned from the last seven years and apply it to my future in a positive light.

I am sure all of this has happened the way it has for a reason and I will do amazing things with what I have learned.  My whole life, everything I have been through is starting to make sense.  It's kinda sorta crazy.  What should be the absolute darkest days of my life, thus far, are filled with light and hope.  Why?  Because I choose to make them that way.

I'm not bitter, I still believe in love, marriage and soul mates.  I think there is someone out there for everyone to spend the rest of their lives with.

So fellow divorcee's hold your head high, your chin up with a huge grin on that pretty face and stick the ta-ta's out.  Your next ex just might be watching ;)  

My 'screwed up' adult theory

I was thinking.

Yes, I do that sometimes, though often it would appear not.

But I was thinking about our journey, really since Alan and I got together.  Hitched up.  Married and whatnot.  I am pretty sure most couples, especially blended families like us would not have survived as we have and I have to wonder why we are still together.  Now, if I look back at how I lived I surely would  have bolted by now, but I think I stay because so many children are involved...and there are two in particular that I have to look out for.  I don't want my kids thinking marriages are disposable, because they are not.  But when do you say enough is enough and stop living in a miserable cycle?  What about the kids?  I have talked to mine about it.  I am brutally honest probably to a fault sometimes but I want their opinion.  They know Alan and I struggle. I worry about them though and how they would handle it.  After Alan lost his job and we had to move back, tail between our legs, to Chesapeake I heard about a gazillion times "don't worry kids are resilient."  Really, like everyone said that. I disagree to an extent.  What I mean is this:  if kids are so resilient why are there so many fubar adults walking around...and they tend to blame their childhood?  So, my theory is kids are not resilient.  What they are, what we were, is able to adapt to the situation as an immediate action only to have it come out later in life.

So my question I ask again is this:  If kids are so resilient why are there so many screwed up adults walking around?  Some take meds for it, some act out to their loved ones, some just drink or turn to drugs to mask all the pain from their "resilience" they never faced as a child.

Have I got you thinking?  Does it make sense?  I am always saying "someday when my kids are in their late twenties they'll be in therapy talking about this."  I say it in jest, but there is always truth in jest.

Yup, pretty sure the whole "Kids are resilient" thing is a crock of shit.  But there is hope, in my opinion.  You can teach them to handle these things that come at you a certain way.  You can teach them positivity in the darkest situations.  And you can teach them how to turn sucky crap that is slung at them from outside sources into an opportunity to better themselves and the world.  And it all starts when they are too little to understand any of it. You are teaching even when you don't realize it.  Mind yourself, they are the ones who will choose whether you get an in law suite or a nursing home.

BACON MEET WHOOPIE PIE!

Why have I never thought of this brilliant idea before?

Bacon & Chocolate really can make things better.

  Yessah, wicked good.

After I did the video I even shared the rest of it with the kids.  "AWESOME!" and "mmmmmmmmmmm"  were their reactions.  

"What do you 'do' mom?"

My 10 y/o ADHD son who keeps me well past being on my toes asked me this morning "what do you do for a job, mom?"  He then chimed in with.."besides Arbonne."

That got me thinking...

What do I do?  I don't get paid for my daily duties.  I have no 401K, health insurance or paid vaca's and holidays.  If I am sick, tough crap no time off.  There are no fabulous benefits.

What do I do?

All frigging day every frigging day I pick up after everyone, repeat myself constantly and cook.  That's all I do.  Let me list it like this:

• Feet hit floor at about 5:30 a.m. make coffee, get husband off to work
• Get kids up - do morning routine of breakfast, dressed (argue with 8 y/o daughter about daisy dukes not being appropriate), teeth & face, book bags in check because the 18 times I asked the night before weren't enough  
• Kids on bus.  Feed & water chickens (currently 20 of them) check on gardens
• Return inside to find every friggin' light in the house on, breakfast dishes still on table because the 2 times they were told to put dishes in sink clearly wasn't enough.  Go on search for where I left coffee cup, take to microwave to heat up for the 3rd time.  
• Clean kitchen
• Start laundry...oh, but if only it were that simple.  First you must go through house searching for all the dirty laundry which seems to jump out of hampers and onto floors.  Normally landing right in front of hamper.  Bathroom floors are another place dirty laundry likes to hang out.  
• Check fb and email.  Place any arbonne orders for clients.  
• Vacuum  house which takes at least 20 minutes if not longer.  Especially when you are ADD and as you're vacuuming you notice other stuff that needs to be done.  
• Exercise so you can try to achieve the body of a 25 y/o as you approach 40 then come in and eat oreo's
• ...continuing with laundry...
• Some days this is when you get to go out on a field trip all by yourself!  You go to the grocery store.  How exciting.  You float down the aisles enjoying not having your kids and pitying the moms that do - upon returning home you get angry that you are the only one who has to lug the groceries in but everyone friggin' eats them.  
• Scrub bathrooms, we have 3.  You notice your husband must've cut his hair.  How?  The hair all over the flippin' bathroom is how you know.  I especially like it when it gets all over my skincare bottles.  
• Beds?  Screw that.  We'll just mess them up tonight so why make them?
• Oh yay!  More picking up after everyone and the washing machine is giving you the death signal on it's digital display.  Thank God for google and this happening to others, so now you can add washing machine repair person to your resume
• Work on book I am writing.  Some days it lasts 5 minutes some days 2 hours, really depends on what is going on in my current life - don't want to drag it into the book.
• Cut grass
• Iron (<--- that's a joke I suck at ironing)
• Time for the little darlings to arrive off the bus.  Mental preparation begins
• snack, homework, start dinner
• check on chickens again 
• eat, showers, bedtime

Next morning rise and repeat.  There is a ton I left out but you get the gist.  I didn't see sit on couch, watch soaps and eat bon bons all day.  Damn, I thought that is what stay at home moms did?
I have done all this while working a full time job when the kids were smaller.  It ain't easy, so kudos to the mama's who do.  Actually, looking back I guess it was easier in a way because there was no putting stuff off like I can now.  You are screwed if you don't stick to a schedule.  I was 15 lbs thinner and rarely had a moments peace.  Hmmm...15 lbs thinner....maybe I should switch back to this lifestyle?  Of course, spare time was nil.  My work got the best of me, not my family.  

By the time I get everyone settled and can finally sit down to watch 'Weeds' (my latest obsession) I usually fall asleep in the first 15 minutes and wake up and start it over and repeat this process about 3 times before I make my way upstairs to the bed I find terribly uncomfortable.  Part of that might be simply because it is the bed my husband had with his ex wife.  It's not a priority for him, so we don't get a new one.  That's alright, someday soon.. anyway, I am glad for Netflix.  Fall asleep all you want, just hit rewind.

So, darling Jacob, what do I do?  Oh, not much.  I am just a mom.

Checking in with your mortality.

I suppose if I looked back upon my life I have seen and done more than a lot my age.  I have never been ungrateful for that and yet am often concerned that I am not showing enough gratitude.

So what makes me special?  What makes me think people will want to read my blog...or even the book I am writing?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.  I am just a girl who loves to write and if someone happens to relate or find comfort in my words than kudos to me for making at least one person feel better or smile.

Isn't that what we all want?  To find a purpose?

Bombings in our country make us all think about our mortality and if we are really living happily and why the hell we are even here.  Well, they do that to me.  I hate that I have several in my lifetime to look back upon... and realize my reaction to them.  Especially ones that hit close to home - for me Boston.  Bean town.  I was born right outside of Boston, in Lynn, and Boston happens to be my favorite city in the whole big wide world.  Vegas is a close second, perhaps someday I will even fulfill my desire to be a showgirl there, but Boston takes the cake.  When I say Boston - childhood memories fly through my mind.

Fenway franks.  They taste as good as they are bad for you, I am sure.  They are just part (paht) of the experience though.

I know the feeling of pride too, though.  I have been the wife of a sailor, returning from a deployment on a Nuclear Destroyer.  That just sounds bad ass doesn't it?  Nuclear Destroyer.  It may have carried some planes too.  Jets, I don't know Navy lingo.  Well that's not true, I cuss like a sailor.  Effin A.  CVN 65, the USS Enterprise.  She was huge.  HUGE.  Wait, was it an aircraft carrier?  It had nuclear shit on it though.  Digging myself into a realm of brilliance, aren't I?  The American pride that runs through you is amazing.  I know this to be true because I hated my then husband at the time.  So for me to have that much emotion running through me - it must've been something.  It's that American pride that leaves us all to soon after a tragedy, when we get back to our normal daily lives.  It ... is ... steadfast living, our 'normal' lives.  Pride isn't a part of most until we see people who could be us, just everyday Joe's getting blown up.  Losing limbs.  Forever scarred.  Gone.  And then quickly we get back to our lives.  And forget about theirs.

Now being married to a Paramedic/Fire Fighter I am reminded of it each shift he leaves for work.  I admire him and the work he does.  And since I am being honest, I guess I don't let him know that often enough.  Or maybe I do and he just doesn't care.  I don't know.  Life's a challenge to figure out.  That's likely the problem, I am trying to figure it out.  There's nothing to find, no hidden world of happiness.  Suck it up and just live.

Forever remembering American pride. It ain't easy.

I have been in all 50 states except 5 of them.  I have seen a lot.  I have experienced a lot.  When I was in my early to mid twenties my mom would say "Judas Priest Angela, you've done more than most 45 year olds I know."  Now that I myself am almost 45 I can only hope that she would say "Judas Priest Angela, you've done more than most 70 year olds I know."

 By the way, those would be said with a wicked Maine accent.

 Wicked.

Isn't wicked a fantastic word?  So descriptive...like...wicked descriptive.

Distractions.

Sometimes it's hard for me to write my blog because I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  Seriously, I have a bunch of drafts where I have one paragraph written and then decide to go with something else.  Then something else.  Then something else.

Can you relate?

Perhaps not in the form of writing - but let's take housework for example.  The kids are off to school.  You have a little time 'to yourself' so you'll use it to make your house all shiny and pretty.  But here's what happens:  You are walking to the kitchen with a bulls eye target of getting the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away but pass your computer.  You think to yourself 'hmmmm I inboxed so and so on fb so I should check that real quick..'  Forty five minutes later you get back on your dishes mission.  Then your stomach growls, so you grab something to eat and maybe just check your email "real quick" while inhaling your food.  Forty five minutes later you go back to what has now become mission impossible and notice the kids left crumbs on the table so you better wipe that off first. Eventually you make it to the dishwasher and open it and begin to put the dishes away.  Then you go on about your day, returning to kitchen to get some lunch and see that dishwasher open and only half the dishes are put away.  How did that even happen?  Are ya with me, anyone?  Anyone do things like this?  By the time the bus arrives with your little darlings the only thing shiny and pretty is definitely not your bathtub.

Sound somewhat familiar?  Being a self diagnosed ADD girl, not a truly diagnosed one (by doctor) it sure does explain a lot about how I have lived, always getting bored in relationships quickly and mind never idle, always at a constant dizzying state. I mean even the one time Alan and I went to marriage counseling the counselor did say " Oh my Gosh you are all over the place..." He was kind of shaking his head like he couldn't keep up.  Buckle up buddy, my mind is in a constant over drive.

I feel bad for my Jacob, he's got it too.  And he is even worse than me.  And like me, he's a Leo so always needs to be the center of attention.  We'd make an interesting TV show here in this blended family.  "Keeping up with...oh look squirrel"

Oreo cookies. Double stuf

Did not feel like typing today so you are blessed with my angelic voice and face....

Just a bit bored.  And, honestly some days it's just easier to vlog.  Why is there only one f in the stuf part of double stuf on the oreo cookies package?