How can I deal with this, when my (bio) kids haven't gone through that?
There are not any parenting coaching books. 'Good Christians' would tell you to turn to the Bible. Bad Christians probably would too. What I need is a step by step, play by play do it yourself parenting guide. Could someone paaahleeese write that? Hey Home Depot you are good at do it yourself projects...
No.
It can't be done. Everyone is unique. When I got myself into this blended, blissful mess I had no idea of the struggles I would endure. I am confident the best ones are yet to come. My kids aren't teens yet. On the other hand, it has shown me just how strong I am. I have had to stand for myself solely on more than one occasion with the enemy attacking and survived. Me and Frank Sinatra, we stood tall and through it all we did it our way.
Today, or yesterday, we aren't really sure because it was sometime during the night my Dad passed away in 1993. It's hard to believe I haven't heard that laugh, seen that toothy grin or complained about the world around us with him in 18 years. That is almost the age I was when he passed. I was 19. I toast his memory within myself all the time but for some reason on the day that marks the anniversary it is harder. It pisses me off that he will never meet my children here on earth. It pisses me off even more that they won't ever truly understand his character and how great he actually was. I suppose I try to show them through what I learned from him and display it daily...aaahh... some days it shines through more than others, of course. He was my hero. He was so passionate and had such a zing for life. I am sad he'll never know he taught me to be this way. Or, maybe he did know. Maybe he saw it before that night. Maybe he just never said those exact words to me. You can drive yourself nuts wondering 'what if's' but truth be told...all your doing is driving yourself nuts. That's why what ifs are ridiculous. I'll never forget when I was at his grave for the 2nd time and my mother and then bf Gary were with me. He and I were up from Georgia. Lady Di had just passed. Like, we (me & Gary) were in the hotel room, at the Marriott in Danvers, Ma. and saw the news on the TV of Lady Di. I absolutely lost it. Not over her, over my dad having a grave stone that wasn't the size of Stonehenge. He was in the Army so he got their cookie cutter stone. Did they not understand who he was for Christ sake? I went back to the day they (Army people) handed my brother and I the American Flag. His Funeral. I vowed then I would never take the meaning of the flag lightly. And I haven't. I had more waterworks than Niagara Falls, at his funeral and on this day. My mom gave me an appropriate amount of time (how do they know how to do that anyway?) and she grabbed me by my shoulders and said " Angela, you continue. You are doing so well in life and you just continue." It shocked me because at that point, in my 'roaring 20's' I thought she would just assume perform an exorcism on me. Seriously - I kinda needed one. But she smiled, looked at me confidently and told me to continue. Holy crap. That was one of my hallelujah moments. I have only had one other, by the way. If you must know, I tell myself that all the time..."you continue." It was a defiant statement and had such and impact on me. Perhaps I should tell her... So Gary and I got in his Triumph and started our journey back to Georgia, inappropriately cracking a miller lite to begin the trip. But that was us.
Well, in spite of my dad's death and everything else wrong in the world, my kids, ALL of them can be a pain right in my ass. There is a reason duct tape was invented and it goes much deeper than to hold old laundry baskets together. Although, I think mom still has one thanks to duct tape from when I was in middle school. Jake and Em have been arguing so much lately, and quite frankly I don't blame them. They are stuck in a room together. It is the smallest room in the house and the 18 y/o step has (alone) the biggest bedroom in the house. So many arguments so little time. I suppose that statement will spark yet another. He reads my blog sometimes. Apparently, I stake out his kids and find ways to take them down. What a bitch. Ninja bitch. How do I deal? One glass at a time. Also, one day at a time. In fact one everything at a time, if you please. Stop world. Stop moving so fast. Can't you see I have kids to raise? Don't you understand you interfere? And who else has been put in this position with their step daughter? I am not equipped to handle this. And then I hear it again...you continue. That's exactly what I do. Continue. Besides I'd like to see him write a blog about this family and how he feels about my kids...or maybe I wouldn't.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, Mary, Mother of Jesus, come to me and let it be...
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