Paragraphs from my not yet titled (or finished) book.

I chose to post this today as what I really want to write would likely cause some anger.  Speaking of anger, on this part of the month long trip I was completely over everything.  They had beat me down.  And we were only just over half way through.


Chapter 9 

Sex?  No, not on this trip.

Ten.  Somewhere around the number ten is how many times I have told Alan I want a divorce thus far on this trip.  Each time it has been induced by Patrick and/ or Jake's behavior and I get to my breaking point and say “FINE.”  “If we are that bad to be around and you hate us that much we will leave upon our return home.”  Speaking of myself and my kids.   I know, not the best way to handle the situation but my give a damn was busted.  Each day that passed I was encouraged more and more to feel this way.  Sometimes I would get mad at myself that I allowed them to bring me to this point.  Sometimes I would get mad that I showed so much anger toward the boys, especially Patrick.  Even though he put me in a position to justifiably feel that way - I am the adult. 

            Before we left Virginia, my friend Shannon told me to just call her and she would Western Union me the money for a bus ticket home for me, Jake and Emma.  She thought I was nuts for doing this in the first place.  She has been through everything with me in this marriage as I met her a week after I met Alan and we became fast friends.  There were times when I seriously considered it.  In the heat of anger it always sounded like a great option.  

            I was having a hard time understanding why Alan chose routes that are so challenging for us in this old RV.  He holds to his claim that he doesn't want to look at interstates all the time.  I love secondary roads too, but in a car without four kids.  I don't remember the last time he smiled at me.  Emma does all the time though.  Keeping a good attitude is becoming such a struggle I am going into shutdown mode.  I think Alan likes it when I give him the “silent treatment”.  He says he doesn't but he's lying.  I wonder if he is questioning what the hell we were thinking about the marriage, trip, everything as much as I am.  When first together loving him came naturally, it was so easy for me.  Now though, it is as if I have to work really hard at it.  Why do things change after marriage?   Why don't people try as hard to make the other happy?  Perhaps if he and I knew this I wouldn't be on number three and he on number four.  Staring over at him I get so damn mad that his facial expression is that of a disgruntled jack ass.  For crying out loud this is an amazing trip we are on and everything around us is beautiful.  I swear if he would change HIS attitude the kids would act different.

            I had no idea where we were even by looking at the map. I have always sucked with maps.   With each slow mile we put behind us we seemed to be getting further away from civilization.  Again, it was nice to see untouched land but having not a clue where I am kind of jarred me a bit.  Did I mention that each time Alan had to “tweak” her he would start by opening the engine cover?   Yup.  Right in our "living room."  So we are already in immense heat, coupled with him not “allowing” us to use the fridge to keep our water cool and then he would torture us with the damn heat from the engine.  Holy crap it was like being in an unwanted sauna.  No, much worse.  It was like he put us in an oven on broil.  The hot water to drink wasn't at all soothing.  Opening the windows only made it worse because then we would have heat coming at us from all directions.  Sweat pouring off us, I began to seriously wonder if this was possibly hell.