Sometimes I just sit in complete awe of people around me.  In particular, my husband.  He was the one who, before we married, insisted ALL the kids had the same rules and we hold them to the same standard.  After all, he had been in two blended families before, as the father figure,  so I figured he was a pro.  What he said made sense but I would always bring up the fact that my kids were so much younger and exactly how am I supposed to hold them all to the same rules?  Well my first problem is the question should've been "how are WE (not I) supposed to hold them to the same standard?"  When you blend a family it has to be "we" for everything.  There is no "I" in team, right?  It can't be "my kids" and "your kids".  It has to be "our kids".  And we lost sight of that about 6 months after we tied the knot.  The worst part of our current situation is we had it all out on the table before we said our vows and we were on the same page as far as blending and raising the kids...ironically enough they are the ones who have come between us.  Standing united fizzled.
Looking back at the past four and a half years I realize a lot has changed and things are completely different than they were.  I've learned a lot...we've overcome several large familial challenges.  I am at a different job, bio kids are in school full day now, one is in jail, one is away at college, one lives with us full time and one comes only on the weekends when his dad has the whole weekend off.  That equals to once a month.   I had to set that rule because I simply couldn't control my 13 y/o step.  Alan's ex moved about two and a half hours away so where he(ss) used to come over during the week and when Alan was off on a Saturday or Sunday he no longer can.  And somehow that is my fault. 
Yup...somehow that is MY fault.  I feel like there is a lot of misdirected anger and finger pointing going on.  No, I am not innocent.  Some situations bring out actions from me that I can't stand.  Then, I get angry at myself.  Ugh.  It's a vicious cycle, the one we have going on here.  A lot has been done that hurts and it is hard to get over that. 
This morning Alan says "do you want to take the kids anywhere today and do something with them?"  "I am planning on fixing the barn roof and having Chandler, if he wakes up and Patrick help me so that will keep them out of your hair."   My first thought is that it is 9:40 a.m. get the 18 y/o 's ass out of bed.  It's not like he has a job to go to. Second thought:  what about keeping Jake and Em out of my hair.   "Sounds to me like you already have a plan for you and your kids."  "Well, yeah"  "Then why ask me if I want to go somewhere with the kids?"  "Can't you find a job for Jake & Em to do, maybe pick up shingles off the ground?"  "No.  It is too dangerous."  "Okay well then you and your kids go have fun."  He never gave me an answer to the question as to why he would ask if he already has a plan.  What in the world...did you know there is a term called "crazy making"?  Google it.  Sometimes we have such different views on what happens I wish we were a reality tv show so it was on video.  Sometimes I think I am going nucking futs. 
Oh, and did I mention when he is here, 13 y/o ss will destroy things, rip my pics, rearrange things and all of these things have to do with me.  Anything to raise my blood pressure thrills him.  He used to steal money from me all the time.  He hasn't done that in about 6 months.  No consequences when he did anyway.  He also used to, when my kids were younger write on the walls with crayon and pretend it was my bio kids.  I caught him one time.  I had known it wasn't my kids because they couldn't write letters yet.  Gotta be smarter than that if your dealing with a genius like myself.  ;)  I could write a page or two of things he makes a conscious decision to do to tick me off.  He hates me.  His mother has even told me that.  His dad denies it. 
Holy crap-oly.  18 y/o ss just came down and asked if I wanted him to clean out the burb since he was doing his car.  I didn't quite know how to react.  hmmmm is this a sign of hope?  Or perhaps he overheard my BIG mouth this morning about how nobody picks up after themselves or has any chores.  I do everything.  When was the last time someone else swept or cleaned a bathroom...he must've heard me asking his dad. 
I think I have an ulcer.  That would explain why I was in the bathroom all night and most of this morning.
Jake has chosen to have one of his defiant days, wait... they all are.  Oh well, the weather is beautiful, Jesus loves me and so do my kids.