Seriously? And Christmas is how many days away?

I have not had a cold, like the one that is currently stuck in my head, for years.  Guess having eighteen two year olds cough and snot on you (when they should be HOME) wins over your immune system.  Personally, I don't have time to be sick.  It just isn't in my schedule, especially this time of year.  On the plus side, I have lost three pounds.  I am pretty sure they are the three I gained over Thanksgiving though so I am still back to I need to lose ten. 
More so than the cold, I am over the double standard in this house.  I am tired of not being the queen of my castle.  I am more like the chef, maid, hairdresser, ranch hand (we have chickens and ranch hand sounds cooler than chicken feeder, waterer and shit scraper), taxi, gardener, personal shopper and picker upper after every friggin one.  No lie, last weekend SS18 spilled cranberry juice on kitchen floor right in front of me looked down at it and walked out of kitchen.  Later I saw he had spilled it in fridge as well.  His dad, my darling husband does that kind of thing to me all the time.  I suppose some of it is my fault.  I can't stand a mess and so I clean because I know it won't get done unless I do it.  I was brought up to know that if you see something that needs to be done, do it.  And if your going to do it, do it at one hundred percent or don't do it at all.   Putting a dish in the dishwasher is not painful I promise.  Neither is getting a paper towel and wiping up your mess, or putting things away after use.  Drawers and cupboard doors are meant to be shut.  For some reason the males in this house leave drawers and doors open.  Could someone please explain to me why they do this?  Every time I walk in the kitchen there is at least two cabinet doors open if Alan has been in there.  SS18 can't shut his dresser drawers for some reason.  Jake has now started leaving his dresser drawers open.  Emma always closes hers though.  Thank God for Emma.
It baffles me that DH will let SS18 play on xbox all day shooting up people, complete with blood and guts flyin around and stealing cars but if my bio kids watch more than a half hour of TV he freaks.  And I mean we get into an actual fight about it.  Double standards.  If you want a successful blended family you can't have them.  Hmmm I wonder if Max and Ruby had a sawed off shotgun and bazooka then he wouldn't mind?  
Why can their ( all of them) clothes make it to the floor in front of the hamper, but not actually IN the hamper?  What is that about? 
SS14 was with us all Thanksgiving break and last weekend too.  He does subtle things to tick me off and his father absolutely refuses to see it.  I am on the fast train to the condition called "crazy making".  Yup, it's a real diagnosis. 
Did I mention I am sick.  So, Monday night when I asked my DH to cook supper because I didn't get home until 6p you would have thought I asked him to have the suburban painted within the next day or his head would explode.  By the way, I have been asking to paint the suburban for three years. I'll even help.   He has added on to the garage, bought and repainted an Rv, gone across country in Rv, redone kitchen and downstairs bathroom and several other projects.  But the burb is not a priority.  His words.  Anyway, about dinner he was so angry he had to cook.  Normally he likes to but this week he agreed to teach a class on Monday and he is in college again to get his Bachelors.  He's about to be a bachelor.  Ha ha.  He hadn't done his two online classes because on this, his "hell week" he chose to teach.  I had no idea how angry he would get over this.  Not only did I have the head cold and was completely exhausted, my endometreosis decided to show up.  I wish just once he could feel the pain that I go through with that.  Getting in fetal position and not moving is the only comfort.  I ended up not eating at all.  I let him know how selfish I thought he was.  He didn't like that so much.  The house was a disaster.  I don't realize how much I do around here until I don't do it for two days.  I am supposed to start school in January but if Monday night was an example of how it will be I am going to have to put my school on hold...again.  At least until he is done.  As always, everything is put before me.  Heck, I am still mad I didn't even get a bday card from him and that was in August!
Perhaps a mani/pedi, cut and color and massage are in order....yeah right.
I think I have earned a glass of wine for tonight.  Today I get to go with my ex husband and be his witness for his divorce to wife # 2 who was ironically the witness in our divorce.  Yessah, one crazy mixed up family this is.  We definitely put the fun in dysfunction!  At least we can laugh.

Sometimes I just sit in complete awe of people around me.  In particular, my husband.  He was the one who, before we married, insisted ALL the kids had the same rules and we hold them to the same standard.  After all, he had been in two blended families before, as the father figure,  so I figured he was a pro.  What he said made sense but I would always bring up the fact that my kids were so much younger and exactly how am I supposed to hold them all to the same rules?  Well my first problem is the question should've been "how are WE (not I) supposed to hold them to the same standard?"  When you blend a family it has to be "we" for everything.  There is no "I" in team, right?  It can't be "my kids" and "your kids".  It has to be "our kids".  And we lost sight of that about 6 months after we tied the knot.  The worst part of our current situation is we had it all out on the table before we said our vows and we were on the same page as far as blending and raising the kids...ironically enough they are the ones who have come between us.  Standing united fizzled.
Looking back at the past four and a half years I realize a lot has changed and things are completely different than they were.  I've learned a lot...we've overcome several large familial challenges.  I am at a different job, bio kids are in school full day now, one is in jail, one is away at college, one lives with us full time and one comes only on the weekends when his dad has the whole weekend off.  That equals to once a month.   I had to set that rule because I simply couldn't control my 13 y/o step.  Alan's ex moved about two and a half hours away so where he(ss) used to come over during the week and when Alan was off on a Saturday or Sunday he no longer can.  And somehow that is my fault. 
Yup...somehow that is MY fault.  I feel like there is a lot of misdirected anger and finger pointing going on.  No, I am not innocent.  Some situations bring out actions from me that I can't stand.  Then, I get angry at myself.  Ugh.  It's a vicious cycle, the one we have going on here.  A lot has been done that hurts and it is hard to get over that. 
This morning Alan says "do you want to take the kids anywhere today and do something with them?"  "I am planning on fixing the barn roof and having Chandler, if he wakes up and Patrick help me so that will keep them out of your hair."   My first thought is that it is 9:40 a.m. get the 18 y/o 's ass out of bed.  It's not like he has a job to go to. Second thought:  what about keeping Jake and Em out of my hair.   "Sounds to me like you already have a plan for you and your kids."  "Well, yeah"  "Then why ask me if I want to go somewhere with the kids?"  "Can't you find a job for Jake & Em to do, maybe pick up shingles off the ground?"  "No.  It is too dangerous."  "Okay well then you and your kids go have fun."  He never gave me an answer to the question as to why he would ask if he already has a plan.  What in the world...did you know there is a term called "crazy making"?  Google it.  Sometimes we have such different views on what happens I wish we were a reality tv show so it was on video.  Sometimes I think I am going nucking futs. 
Oh, and did I mention when he is here, 13 y/o ss will destroy things, rip my pics, rearrange things and all of these things have to do with me.  Anything to raise my blood pressure thrills him.  He used to steal money from me all the time.  He hasn't done that in about 6 months.  No consequences when he did anyway.  He also used to, when my kids were younger write on the walls with crayon and pretend it was my bio kids.  I caught him one time.  I had known it wasn't my kids because they couldn't write letters yet.  Gotta be smarter than that if your dealing with a genius like myself.  ;)  I could write a page or two of things he makes a conscious decision to do to tick me off.  He hates me.  His mother has even told me that.  His dad denies it. 
Holy crap-oly.  18 y/o ss just came down and asked if I wanted him to clean out the burb since he was doing his car.  I didn't quite know how to react.  hmmmm is this a sign of hope?  Or perhaps he overheard my BIG mouth this morning about how nobody picks up after themselves or has any chores.  I do everything.  When was the last time someone else swept or cleaned a bathroom...he must've heard me asking his dad. 
I think I have an ulcer.  That would explain why I was in the bathroom all night and most of this morning.
Jake has chosen to have one of his defiant days, wait... they all are.  Oh well, the weather is beautiful, Jesus loves me and so do my kids. 

Define family.

The other day my husband and I were having yet another one of our heated discussions about the kids and he asked me what my definition of family is.
Scary question.
If you look it up in the dictionary you will find about ten different variations of the word and I suppose blended or step families could fit into one of those.  But when he asked me that question my thought surprised me.   Immediately pictures of my bio kids, my mom, dad and brother flashed in my head.  Luckily I didn't have to answer him because I looked out the window and noticed the neighbors chickens were in our back garden and he had just planted some seeds the day before and had to go save them.  It was also time for the bus to arrive with my little darlings.  Saved by the chickens. 
It got me thinking though and a little horrified that after being in this "family" with him and his kids for almost five years, the picture in my mind wasn't of all of us.  They didn't even show up.  Which means of course, that I don't consider them family. 
HUGE red flag...
I think I used to back when we were all new and shiny.  We have allowed the kids to come between us and our marriage is crumbling before my eyes and I can't seem to stop it.  There are so many walls that we have allowed the children to put up between us that he and I don't see us as a family.  How are the kids supposed to?  After all children learn by example.  Oh crap.
He used to make me a priority and I did him and we don't do that anymore.  We promised before we married that we would never lose that and we have.  When are you too far gone to save it? 
I was so mad the other night about the double standards he has and his most current ex wife calling the shots that I started beating the broom on the floor while sweeping.  I stopped myself, grabbed my phone and went to the truck and called Shugs to vent.  Shugs is a good friend.  Twenty minutes later I felt a little better after hearing I was right - even if it wasn't from him - and returned to sweeping.   Maybe next time, rest assured there will be a next time, I will just take off on the broom instead...eh?  Geesh.  I can't even have a glass of wine because of a medication I am taking. 
Even though more often than not there are days when the only view I want of him and this house is in the rear view mirror I will stay and fight for our marriage and "family".  At least that is my thought today.  Thoughts are subject to change depending on level of frustration and right now all his kids are gone and he's outside.