Everyone on facebook seems to be getting numbers and posting things we may not know about one another. I think it is pretty cool but won't 'like' a status to get a number because I don't want to get too many - or admittedly... too few. Slightly vain perhaps, but I am who I am and will never apologize for being me. With that said I decided to list 10, a good even not too many, not too few number things about me. We all judge people (don't lie, you know you do) and perhaps if we would take the time to understand them and see where they are coming from we would judge less.
Here goes:
1. I cuss like a sailor. Especially when driving around here. I believe the word fuck gets your point across a whole lot quicker. And, as a bonus it is so fuckin' versatile.
2. One of my favorite things is when I am cooking and someone walks in and says "mmmmm what smells so good." I beam with pride.
3. I am extremely passionate in every way. I try to put my all into everything and love to please people, almost to a fault. Cooking and writing are my 2 biggest passions.
4. I don't think my dad died of a massive heart attack. I think he was murdered. There was never an autopsy.
5. I never wanted to be a mom. Even though I was married, the thought of an abortion came to mind when I found out I was pregnant with Jacob. As I am watching him cook himself breakfast right now, I am so glad it was a quick, passing thought. <Que the not judging thing here>
6. About 6 months after Alan and I were together I started having panic attacks. I suffered with them daily, sometimes multiple times a day. They were awful. That was about 7 years worth. I have not had 1 since the day I left. Not one. Wow, right? Especially with what we are going through. Says a lot.
7. In my late teens I was quite an accomplished horseback rider. I wish I'd never stopped.
8. My kids are not my world. They are a beautiful part of it, but I don't center everything around them. I used to think you were supposed to...but have realized you actually do them a disservice if you allow them to rule the day and your life. There is a good balance you can find.
9. I never knew any of my grandparents and am watching my kids pretty much go through the same thing. I wish they would all play a bigger part in their lives.
10. I won't date a democrat. When I am ready to date again I want a God fearin', gun totin', truck drivin' conservative. You'll always know where you stand with them.
Hiking on the Parkway...
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Dear Emma...
Dear Emma,
I want you to know the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were a girl and I fell immediately in love with you. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that you, dear child, were going to be the most special person I had ever met. The night they placed you in my arms, I couldn't put you down nor could I stop staring at you in complete disbelief that I was chosen to be your mom. I vowed then and there to become a better person so that you could see how beautiful life is. Because of you, I became closer to God. I looked at life in a new light, through your eyes. Often, I would wonder what you would think of me if I decided to do something a certain way. Would my decision make you proud to call me mom? Instantly you brought a joy to my heart that I never knew existed. Perhaps if one day you are a mom you will understand what I mean. I saw a future of love. You rescued me, Emma.
As I watched you grow I couldn't believe how amazing you were. You are the miracle kid that every parent wants. Your sweet nature, your kindness, your inner and outer beauty. You choose to see only the good in people. I hope that when you are an adult you can look back upon your childhood and smile. I hope life doesn't break you and shatter your outlook. And I hope you know how loved you are. I also hope that you know that what happened to you wasn't your fault and that you did nothing wrong. You know, as an adult when your own heart breaks it is painful, but as a mom when your heart breaks for your child it is a million times worse.
So the night that you whispered in my ear that your stepbrother had been touching you in uncomfortable places my whole world momentarily stopped. A part of me died when that sweet little voice said those words. It became my turn to rescue you. Without a second thought I left my marriage for you Emma. I walked away from a beautiful home, security and a husband. Making you feel safe became my number one priority. I hope someday you can comprehend the strength and courage it took for you to tell me. You are a very brave girl, Emma Catherine. I too have shown strength and courage through this but if the truth be told I get it from you. Yup, you are why I have been able to handle this as I have. How can I teach you not to be broken if I let it break me? How can I teach you to hit fear head on if I cower away from it? How can I teach you to be a decent person in spite of what life hands you and how people treat you if I show weakness? I can't. I can't do any of those things if I fall apart. So I have no choice. Within you I find my power to continue. I also rely on my faith. We are where we are for a reason and I'll be damned if all this was done in vain. I will make good come from it for us and we will rise up!
You are a lovely person with a soul and spirit that I can only conclude is straight from God himself. You have impressed every single person who has met you. Your life can be even better for what we have gone through.
As I watch you outside right now, playing with the neighborhood kids my heart smiles. We are survivors, not victims darlin' and we are going to be better people for having gone through this.
In your backpack I found a piece of paper that said 'Please walk with some confidence like you can really handle it'. When I asked you what that was from you told me you are writing a song and that was the start of it. Keep writing doll, the world needs to hear what you have to say.
Peace and Love,
Mom
I want you to know the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were a girl and I fell immediately in love with you. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that you, dear child, were going to be the most special person I had ever met. The night they placed you in my arms, I couldn't put you down nor could I stop staring at you in complete disbelief that I was chosen to be your mom. I vowed then and there to become a better person so that you could see how beautiful life is. Because of you, I became closer to God. I looked at life in a new light, through your eyes. Often, I would wonder what you would think of me if I decided to do something a certain way. Would my decision make you proud to call me mom? Instantly you brought a joy to my heart that I never knew existed. Perhaps if one day you are a mom you will understand what I mean. I saw a future of love. You rescued me, Emma.
As I watched you grow I couldn't believe how amazing you were. You are the miracle kid that every parent wants. Your sweet nature, your kindness, your inner and outer beauty. You choose to see only the good in people. I hope that when you are an adult you can look back upon your childhood and smile. I hope life doesn't break you and shatter your outlook. And I hope you know how loved you are. I also hope that you know that what happened to you wasn't your fault and that you did nothing wrong. You know, as an adult when your own heart breaks it is painful, but as a mom when your heart breaks for your child it is a million times worse.
So the night that you whispered in my ear that your stepbrother had been touching you in uncomfortable places my whole world momentarily stopped. A part of me died when that sweet little voice said those words. It became my turn to rescue you. Without a second thought I left my marriage for you Emma. I walked away from a beautiful home, security and a husband. Making you feel safe became my number one priority. I hope someday you can comprehend the strength and courage it took for you to tell me. You are a very brave girl, Emma Catherine. I too have shown strength and courage through this but if the truth be told I get it from you. Yup, you are why I have been able to handle this as I have. How can I teach you not to be broken if I let it break me? How can I teach you to hit fear head on if I cower away from it? How can I teach you to be a decent person in spite of what life hands you and how people treat you if I show weakness? I can't. I can't do any of those things if I fall apart. So I have no choice. Within you I find my power to continue. I also rely on my faith. We are where we are for a reason and I'll be damned if all this was done in vain. I will make good come from it for us and we will rise up!
You are a lovely person with a soul and spirit that I can only conclude is straight from God himself. You have impressed every single person who has met you. Your life can be even better for what we have gone through.
As I watch you outside right now, playing with the neighborhood kids my heart smiles. We are survivors, not victims darlin' and we are going to be better people for having gone through this.
In your backpack I found a piece of paper that said 'Please walk with some confidence like you can really handle it'. When I asked you what that was from you told me you are writing a song and that was the start of it. Keep writing doll, the world needs to hear what you have to say.
Peace and Love,
Mom
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